This past weekend I went to see Three Days Grace and Three Doors Down in concert in Hinckley, MN with my Dad and two brothers. First off, it was a fricken' amazing show! But, a lot of stuff came up for me there that I'm trying to process now.
When Three Days Grace came out the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. The lights were all out, and a speech from the movie Charlie Chaplin's 'The Dictator' was on in the background:
The enactment was so emotional and entitled that with the music I almost started crying instantly. I almost felt the breath go out me. Because I was next to my Dad, I withheld any emotional symptoms. In fact, in a primitive fight or flight mode I almost completely froze, too afraid to show any sign of weakness.
The combination of these intense emotions with the intense desire to not appear inadequate in front of my father was perhaps the most single helpful portrayal of my emotional condition since my brother's wedding last year. It's so interesting how God works and how important families are.
The real irony is, the song itself discusses the same condition. Here are some lyrics from it:
But the concert manifested the opposing parties in the struggle so explicitly that it is helping me to understand my struggle better. On one side, you have the child in me. Angry. Upset. Honestly I didn't even know how upset he was until these guys came on. He is freaking hurt. And he wants to be entitled in that hurt. Watching the lead singer of Three Days Grace beat his chest and gnash his teeth and getting thousands of people to cheer along awoke something deep inside that has been hiding for a long time.
"I am machine I never sleep until I fix what's broken." "I am machine a part of me wishes I could just feel something". Wow. It's like they knew the main struggle of my life is not being able to sleep, being anxious and trying to fix things, and being unable to feel the grief in my life. And they were up on stage calling me out. "You see me up here? This is you. Let it out Sean, let it out."
But I couldn't. My dad was there. What we will he think? He will think I'm crazy. He won't approve.
And therein lies the struggle. I want to feel, but don't feel like the people in my life are going to approve. They will think I'm crazy.
Seeing it in this way though, this real life example, made me realize that it's not my fault that I struggle with this. I knew this conceptually, but deep down I really didn't believe it for my life. Now I could see, the years of conditioning, the most important influence in my life right in front of me, preventing me from feeling my pain (even though that may not be his intention).
So, not only did it open me up to being easier on myself in the struggle, it reawakened me to the struggle in general. It made me see the force that is driving the addictions. The little boy that is hurt, that wants to let it out, and be loved in the process for who he really is and how he really feels.
Yesterday on the car ride home I felt like I was at risk to blow out both my speakers and my ear drums while listening to songs from the concert as loud as my speakers would let me. I had the windows open and when I was stopped in traffic the people next to me with their windows open must have thought I was a crazy person. In my car I rocked my head to the music and cried under my sunglasses. And it felt good.
When Three Days Grace came out the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. The lights were all out, and a speech from the movie Charlie Chaplin's 'The Dictator' was on in the background:
We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical. Our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness. Don't give yourselves to these unnatural men — machine men with machine minds and machine hearts! You are not machines!when the the speech got to the 'You are not machines!', it repeated over a few times and then Three Days Grace broke into their song 'I am Machine'. The lead singer came rushing out and stopped at the edge of the stage, beating his chest and gnashing his teeth, eyes glaring out at the audience.
The enactment was so emotional and entitled that with the music I almost started crying instantly. I almost felt the breath go out me. Because I was next to my Dad, I withheld any emotional symptoms. In fact, in a primitive fight or flight mode I almost completely froze, too afraid to show any sign of weakness.
The combination of these intense emotions with the intense desire to not appear inadequate in front of my father was perhaps the most single helpful portrayal of my emotional condition since my brother's wedding last year. It's so interesting how God works and how important families are.
The real irony is, the song itself discusses the same condition. Here are some lyrics from it:
I am machineThis to me was just too 'coincidental'. On top of that, I've been watching Mr. Robot on Amazon Prime and the show discusses many of the same concepts. It's nothing new, its what I've known has been the center of my story since I started counseling.
I never sleep
I keep my eyes wide open
I am machine
A part of me
Wishes I could just feel something
I am machine
I never sleep
Until I fix what's broken
But the concert manifested the opposing parties in the struggle so explicitly that it is helping me to understand my struggle better. On one side, you have the child in me. Angry. Upset. Honestly I didn't even know how upset he was until these guys came on. He is freaking hurt. And he wants to be entitled in that hurt. Watching the lead singer of Three Days Grace beat his chest and gnash his teeth and getting thousands of people to cheer along awoke something deep inside that has been hiding for a long time.
"I am machine I never sleep until I fix what's broken." "I am machine a part of me wishes I could just feel something". Wow. It's like they knew the main struggle of my life is not being able to sleep, being anxious and trying to fix things, and being unable to feel the grief in my life. And they were up on stage calling me out. "You see me up here? This is you. Let it out Sean, let it out."
But I couldn't. My dad was there. What we will he think? He will think I'm crazy. He won't approve.
And therein lies the struggle. I want to feel, but don't feel like the people in my life are going to approve. They will think I'm crazy.
Seeing it in this way though, this real life example, made me realize that it's not my fault that I struggle with this. I knew this conceptually, but deep down I really didn't believe it for my life. Now I could see, the years of conditioning, the most important influence in my life right in front of me, preventing me from feeling my pain (even though that may not be his intention).
So, not only did it open me up to being easier on myself in the struggle, it reawakened me to the struggle in general. It made me see the force that is driving the addictions. The little boy that is hurt, that wants to let it out, and be loved in the process for who he really is and how he really feels.
Yesterday on the car ride home I felt like I was at risk to blow out both my speakers and my ear drums while listening to songs from the concert as loud as my speakers would let me. I had the windows open and when I was stopped in traffic the people next to me with their windows open must have thought I was a crazy person. In my car I rocked my head to the music and cried under my sunglasses. And it felt good.
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