For most of my life I had been able to control my fear. Then one day, seemingly out of the blue, I had my first panic attack. For those who haven't had one, they can best be described by the phrase 'you think you are going to die'. If it persists for long enough, you start to think death might be a preferable alternative in order to free yourself from the agony of being in a panic about it.
Then there was a paradigm shift that loosened the panic attack's stronghold. The book 'Don't Panic' (funny name, right?) called out these panic attacks for what they were -- fear of being afraid. When you realize that the best way to deal with it is to try and let the fear be present, the panic loses a lot of its power.
But why was I so afraid in the first place? That's where counseling came in. My counselor, Mark LaFluer, opened my eyes to a hidden world when I first came in to see him. After hearing a brief synopsis of my story, he retorted with 'It makes perfect sense why you are so afraid', followed by, 'you have had more than enough trauma to explain it'. Trauma? Wasn't that something that only victims of horrific violence could claim?
Mark was nevertheless correct. He gave me a book titled 'I Don't Wan't to Talk about It' by Terrence Real, which was groundbreaking in my understanding of my condition. It turns out, even if you don't get beat up as a kid, being around someone who routinely screamed things like 'I'm going to take a baseball bat to that motherfuckers skull' could traumatize a youngster all the same. Additionally, the neglect of things like physical embrace, and tender words of affirmation can be just as poisonous to one's development.
So, what was I to do with this? The book made an argument that, the traditional way of 'stuffing' was not working well for men in our society. Things like anger problems and drug abuse were merely symptoms of underlying issues caused by unresolved childhood trauma. Whether or not it was scientifically accurate, and possibly just because I was so desperate, I have clung to this theory.
How did this apply to me, though? In order to more easily understand the nature of what is going on in ones head, it is common to personify different aspects of one's personality. So the 'child' in me was deeply hurt, and is more or less stuck in that state. The adult me was hampered in a different kind of way, in that he was never taught how to take care of a child. What makes the problem worse is that, while the adult in me wasn't trained in how to take care of any child, he certainly wasn't trained in how to take care of a damaged child.
Learning to let the child be scared was a good first step. It helped to prevent the child from freaking out. But that was just the tip of the iceberg. There are 25 years of unfelt emotions hiding in him. So what is the next step?
The next, and most important step is unconditional positive regard. The child needs love. The child needs to know that no-matter-what, he will be loved by the adult in me. This is difficult, because the child really acts out at times. He has been super hurt. He screams, sometimes at the top of his lungs for hours 'THINGS AREN'T OK. FIX THEM FIX THEM FIX THEM'.
The feeble adult in me has a hard time responding. Everything in me wants to fix them. However, this broken thing, can't just be fixed up. A new job, a travel adventure, easier relationships -- these aren't going to fix the broken child. In these times, its the hard job of the adult to stand there, say I'm really sorry we can't fix this, but I love you so, so much, and we are going to make it through this.
My hope is that as the child feels safer, he will stop yelling, and simply start talking. He will start to open up about why things aren't ok. He will talk about those things that happened years ago that made him feel so unsafe and unappreciated. And maybe then we can even heal some of that pain. But until then, it is my duty to love him, no matter what. And I'm starting to believe, that process is where the real healing takes place.
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